Gosh, summer is almost over!

Wello.........hehehehe oooppsss, I was going to say well hello, and ended up saying wello. Sorry! Know what I decided? A mind is a terrible thing to waste on housework. When it would be doing so many other important things, like sleeping! That's a good idea, I wish I was sleeping right now, but if I don't do this now it won't get done!! So, I was thinking I'd recap the summer a little bit, and expand on it. Starting with relationships, (how'd you guess?). I met a tonne of fantastic people this summer at camp (Kellen, Trisha,Katelyn Lisa, Mitch, Rory, Amber, Andrea, Jon, Freddy, David just to name a few love you guys sooooo much) and learned a lot of things. First, I learned how much I miss being surrounded by Christians in a Christian enviroment. To have everything revolve around how to better help kids learn about God is an awesome thing and I really envy those people who get to do it all the time. Second, I learned just how much I love kids, my cousins yes I love to bits, but seeing these kids run circles around me was one of the best experiences of my whole life. Third, on a down note, I learned how easily it is to become distracted and cause pain. When I was at camp, I really struggled with how my relationships to other staff members progressed. I had a hard time connecting with God then got so frustrated that I was rude to a lot of people. At least that's how I feel I was. I'm sorry you guys, if anyone picked up on that vibe and got offended. Please realize that I'm trying!! I have a question, where does jealousy come from? Like different from envy, but jealous of other people's relationships with each other? For example, when a bunch of my friends got engaged or started dating, I'm like....I want that. Is that from God, because God get's jealous or is it from the devil? If anyone has ideas, it be nice if they shared it with me!
Anyways, ummm, yea away from camp I learned just how much I can fight with my sister. Carm and I had such a nasty time this year trying to stay "professional" (they really should out-law having siblings being boss/employee together!) And how much I focus on the negative,really should stop that eh? I also learned how much people can surprise you. One girl, who shall remain nameless, that I met, a little younger than me. Has a problem in dealing with guys, she can't let them decide they like her, she has to push them. And when I first met her, it was weird realizing that she did this. But the last time I talked to her, she is so much like me when I was.....well even last year and this year to a point. I still struggle with that, but she has sooo much spunk. Gosh, she's an awesome girl and I pray will turn out to be the most awesomest woman ever! Anyways, ummm, ya. I think that's it that's all I have to say. Except that I'm almost moved into college, just one more week and then I'm back to the grindstone. Whether that's a good thing or not remains to be seen. I have this weird feeling I'm gonna end up being a housewife, just b/c I am really bored of school. Why am I going this year then? My parents want me to get a grounding in my faith before going "out into the cruel world". Probably a good thing, and I'll love it there, I know I will. Anyways, I could bring this back around to a very deep spiritual thing, but I'm not going to, just b/c it's late and I'm sounding really stuck up right now and don't want to talk anymore.
Prayer requests: Some time for wounds to heal. That my roommate won't kill me when she learns how unclean I am. That relationships will continue to grow and friends won't drift apart. Please pray for safe trips and awesome journeys, and that God will make his plans clear to those who seek him. Amen
God Bless, love ya all soooooooo much
Have a great evening/Day/afternoon!

Ugly Me

The other night Carm and I were talking about how much a person's insecurities and attitudes were passed down to their children through the way they act. That the biggest problem for parents was watching their kids struggle with the same things they struggled with. One of my biggest things growing up has been my self-image. No matter how nice I look I always find something to complain about....my zits are showing...my stomach sticks out....my butt's too big. This is not what I want for my kids. I came across this article the day before we started talking, and later thinking about that conversation, it just clicked with me that this was something I wanted to share. So it's mostly for the girls, but guys can check it out if they want to. Enjoy, God Bless and have a great day!
Who knows when I first started hating the way I look? It could have been in fourth grade, when I went to camp with my beautiful cousin who got more attention than slightly chubby me. It could have been in sixth grade, when I was suddenly taller than nearly everyone else in my class. It could have been in eighth grade, when I realized that my friends were starting to date and I wasn't. All I know is that from junior high all the way through high school, I can't remember ever looking in the mirror and being happy with what I saw.
I'm sure it didn't help to have an older brother who apparently felt it was his job to tease me. He started calling me "chubs" when I was in seventh grade and kept it up till he graduated from high school a few years later.
But he was just part of the problem. I couldn't help but compare myself to other girls at my schoolgirls who were thinner, prettier, smarter. Nothing about me seemed quite right. I had curly hair; everyone else had straight hair. I played tennis and the cello; the "popular" girls played basketball and the clarinet. And while I knew I was a good friend, a decent student and fun person to be around, those things just weren't enough to boost my sagging self-esteem.
What really clinched my whole self-image problem was guys. I couldn't figure out why, of all my great guy friends, not one of them wanted to date me. For example, one of my best friends in high school was a guy named Eric, and I had a major crush on him. Eric and I spent tons of time together. I knew he really cared about me and valued my friendship. But despite my obvious interest in him, he never wanted to date me. He'd tell me about his girl problems. He'd wonder out loud why other girls weren't as easy to talk to as I was. And as we became closer friends with no hope of romance in sight, I'd wonder, What's wrong with me?
I couldn't help but compare myself to other girls at my schoolgirls who were thinner, prettier, smarter.
That was itmy prevailing thought through junior high, high school and on into college: What's wrong with me? It didn't stop with Eric. All the way through my teenage years, I had great guy friends who didn't want to date me. I was smart and funny and could attract all the friends I could ever want. But that somehow wasn't enough. I didn't get dates, and I wasn't in the top echelons of popularity, all because I didn't look quite right. To me, that seemed to be the only answer.
While I felt horrible on the inside, I tried to act like it didn't bother me to be the "dateless wonder." I filled my life with other things, things I was good at, like theater and choir and the pompon team. And while those things helped me feel better about myself, they weren't enough, either. In fact, in some ways, they contributed to my feelings that I was fat and ugly. While I usually ended up with leading roles in school plays, I was never the leading ladythe pretty girl who ends up with the guy. Instead, I played the character roles that got lots of laughs.
And the pompon team was no better. My senior year, I served as co-captain. And because I was the co-captain, my mom had to help out with organizing some of our fundraising events. After one meeting with a few of the other moms, my mother came home furious. "What's wrong?" I asked her.
"Well, a few of the other women were talking about setting a weight limit for you girls."
"Are you kidding me?" I said. It didn't take a genius to know that those moms felt like a few of us on the team were a little on the heavy side. And I knew that meant me. "So what do they want to do?" I asked.
"They're not going to do anything," Mom said firmly. "I told them that if they think they can force my perfectly healthy daughter into some kind of mold their skinny little daughters happen to fit into, they're going to have to take it up with me."
Go Mom!
And even though my mom stood up for me, even though no weight limit was ever set for the team, I couldn't help but feel the eyes of those other mothers watching me every time we performed. I knew they thought I was fat.
So I hated myself. I hid my feelings behind an outgoing personality and a sense of humor. No one knew how I felt, and I was determined that no one ever would.
But the spring of my senior year, something happened that changed all that self-loathing. One night, when I was in one of my usual "I hate me" funks, I rode my bike around town for an hour or so hoping the night air would cheer me up a little. I ended up at the playground of my elementary school. I got off my bike and sat on a swing.
It was a clear spring night with no clouds, a full moon and a sky bursting with stars. As I sat on the swing, I looked up at the spectacular sky and thought about how amazing God's creation is. And it hit me. Yes, the sky is beautiful. Yes, the trees are beautiful and the mountains and the oceans and all of God's earth. But in God's eyes, I am more precious, more valuable, more beautiful than any of it.
For the first time in years, I thought about myself from God's perspective. In my mind, I imagined God in his little workshop crafting me by handchoosing just the right shade of brown for my eyes, the right shape for my hands, the perfect amount of curl for my hair. And then I imagined him watching me day after day as I looked in the mirror and criticized how he had made me.
God had put me together with love and pride. He had put me on earth and added stars and sunsets and hummingbirds and tree frogs and other beautiful things for me to look at. He'd given me great parents, wonderful friends, all kinds of talents and abilities. His love for me was more enormous than I could possibly grasp. And in spite of all that, I had the nerve to think he'd messed up.
I ran to my bike, rushed home and scrambled up to my room. I flipped to the Psalms for a chapter I remembered that spoke of the glory of nature. There it was, Psalm 104, a psalm celebrating God's incredible creation. As I read it, I kept thinking, Look at how amazing creation is. Look at how much care God took in making this world, and he's sharing it with you, Carla.
As I fell asleep that night, I felt something I hadn't felt in a very long time. I felt peace and contentment with myself. I knew that I was one of God's most amazing creations and that to doubt it, even for a second, was an insult to God.
I still struggle with my self-image. I still don't look like a model, and I know I never will. I don't always weigh what I think I should, and I always hate wearing a bathing suit. But you know what? That's just surface stuff. The truth is, God made me, and I'm fine just the way I am.
8 Ways to Feel Good About Yourself
1. Picture it. Flip to your favorite memories in an old photo album. As you reminisce about fun times in your life and the people you really care about, you'll see how many truly fabulous gifts God's given you.
2. Focus on the positive. Focus on the positive. If you're in the habit of keeping nice notes, cards and letters from others, dig em out. Or you can just listen extra-hard for encouraging words. Sometimes other people are better at identifying your great God-given traits than you are.
3. Make a change. Identify the behaviors and situations that undermine your self-confidence, then try your hardest to change them. Stop hanging out with people who make you feel crummy. Instead of criticizing your reflection in the mirror, give yourself a compliment. Smile more.
4. Come clean. Unresolved issues with other people or with God can weigh you down and trick you into thinking no one would love you if they knew the truth. Confession is tough, but it's a cinch compared to living with guilt. Plus, confession leads to forgivenessusually from other people and always from God.
5. Challenge yourself. Read a classic novel. Start an exercise plan. Try a new sport, or pick up a musical instrument. Memorize a book of the Bible. In the process of collecting new experiences and finding a sense of accomplishment, you just might discover a talent you never knew you had.
6. Excel where it counts. You'll probably never be the most athletic, attractive, intelligent, popular person you know. But you can make it your goal to be something even better. You could strive to be the most caring, the best listener, the most patient or the kindest. These things won't win you trophies, but they'll lead to the best kind of success: becoming more like Jesus.
7. Lend a hand. Try to focus on the lives of others instead of just your own. Volunteerwhether that means helping a neighbor or caring for abandoned animalsand you'll be amazed at the results. Making a difference in others' lives has a boomerang way of making a huge difference in your own.
8. Remember who loves you. The ultimate reason to feel good about yourself has to do with the ultimate being: God. He's starry-eyed, open-arms, head-over-heels in love with you. Read 1 John and think of it as God's love letter to you. Here's a little sneak preview (1 John 3:1). "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

Humbled

Well, hi there, I'm back for good at home from camp and finding myself in a little shame pit. I don't know if it's satan that's making me feel this way or if it's justifiable. But I seem to be focusing too much on the people there instead of what I learned from God. Like, really I was soooo glad for Laura's company on the way home last night otherwise I would have been crying. Just because one the guys there refused to give an actual goodbye. It was kind of a wave and not even a glance. That really hurt, and I was hoping on the way home from dropping Laura off, "maybe he'll call" because he's supposed to if they're going to Calgary this week. But gosh! I feel soo bad, I did learn a lot this week. I learned about how insignificant I am, I learned how much I absolutely LOVE working with kids. I love kids and thank God that I was in a cabin too! One of my camper's had this attitude about her that made me really want to smack her upside the head. In honestly didn't know what to do because everything I tried just got a "pre-teenage" roll of the eyes and snippy voice. But then two of my girls made a commitment the last night!!! I was sooooo blown away. I'm worried about those girls. They do not come from "Christian" homes per se. One is Catholic and one is from the United Church. So I wonder just how much support they'll get. I pray they'll not be plants with shallow roots, but that they landed in good soil. But then that's what's frustrating about camp, you are only a part of God's hands and then have to have faith that God know's what he's doing. And I do have faith, but sometimes it's hard when you make such a connection with these kids and then they leave. Caitlyn, she was one of the last girls to leave and I really didn't want to see her go. She's a girl that's going to give me early grey hair. Oh gosh, It's in God's hands and I'm sooooo scared. Is being scared showing a lack of faith? I thank God that this week I learned early on to not put personal stuff ahead of my kids. To focus on what my kids need and then on building relationships with other staff. If I had not learned that, then my kids would have had an awful week. But I'm pretty sure that they didn't. I had an LTD this week which was pretty much awesome. Andrea, oh my gosh, it was so much fun to hang around her. Plus, one day I really hurt my foot down on the beach and she took the girls to cabin time and everything so I could just kinda hang out and let the drugs kick into my system. Fell asleep on the floor of the cabin with the door open and then my girls came and gave me a brownie that they had baked. Which was sooooo nice. I was on crutches for part of the day because my foot was killing me and it's still sore. I might have to go and get it checked out again Dr. Hanton said I might need to see a specialist in Edmonton or Calgary. It's sooo frustrating!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!! And I just realized that I left my keys for the pool at home! Oh joys, God please grant me happiness today as I work on my attitude. Please grant patience to expectations, hurts to be mended and pain to cease. Please do not let joy and peace fade with memories. Please allow a sense of openness to change in situations and contentment with what the situation is right now as opposed to wishing it back to camp. God, I need your help here, please! Please protect my girls with an army of angels from oppression and allow their happiness to stick through all year! In Jesus Name, Amen God Bless you guys throughout this week and the rest of the summer/year! p.s. Carm and Barry set a date for June 2,2007!!